#workingmom: I’m not a saint but I’m dang sure not a martyr

Editor’s note: The author, Brooke McIntosh Crump, is an attorney and mom in Mt. Gilead.

I’ve shared with you all before how blessed I am to have such an awesome tribe and a girl squad that includes lifelong friends. But I’ve decided that’s a lie. It’s not luck that gave me these people. I have a support system because I support others.

I am an awesome friend. I show up for others almost always. I’m not a saint – I have dropped the ball a few times over the years. I’ve missed a wedding or two and I’ve forgotten a few birthdays. There’s been a time or two where I didn’t give a friend the benefit of the doubt they probably deserved. And I am not loved by everyone who meets me, this I know. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am not everyone’s cup of tea and I am not here for the approval of the whole wide world.

But what I am here for, more so than most, are my family and friends. I am the friend who still calls to catch up, even if it’s once a year, with friends I’ve had since the first grade. I am the friend you can count on to attend your kid’s birthday party and your Pampered Chef party. I might pick the cheapest item out of the catalog for your most recent side gig and shed a small sigh over a shipping fee, but I will support you. And I might not always show up on time (I probably won’t). But somebody has to shut the party down.

As the saying goes, a friend will help you move but a real friend will help you move a body. I might not help you move because I am not really all that into manual labor, but I will show up with snacks and keep you company while you pack your boxes. And as far as the body goes, I will heavily discount your legal fees and will fight like my life depends on it with your self-defense strategy.

Growing up, I was taught that if you didn’t have anything nice to say, well, you didn’t say anything at all. I’ve also shared with you in the past that I’m disappointed with the absence of common decency in today’s world of passive-aggressive status updates and political memes. I was taught to turn the other cheek. I’m not saying that I have always been nice to everyone I meet. In fact, my mind is often running 90 mph, so I don’t always realize when I’m actually meeting someone. I am also particularly unkind to those who have done wrong to my loved ones. But I have always consistently turned the other cheek if someone I love has hurt me. Aside from my mom and my husband, I will look the other way when I’m insulted or on the receiving end of a hateful comment. It’s not that I don’t have a backbone, but I’ve always been somewhat of a peacemaker and very quick to forgive.

Some folks would have a difficult time believing that because I am not always agreeable in my professional life. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. But I recently realized that I was fighting with everything I’ve got for my clients because that’s what they deserve. I am truly a zealous advocate for my clients, but I’ve recently realized that I deserve to stand up for myself, too. So, mama – and I do truly mean it when I say that I’m sorry for this – I’ve got to disagree with my upbringing. Kindness never killed anyone. No one deserves to be someone’s punching bag.

Without realizing, we set our standards and expectations for our relationships early on. The first time we allow ourselves to be mistreated, the other party realizes what we are willing to put up with. And what does a person do when they get an inch? They surely take it. If we have low expectations in our friendships, friends surely won’t exceed them. I am no longer settling for less than I deserve in relationships. I will no longer be the punching bag for the family member who doesn’t agree with my parenting style (or entire existence) and makes passive-aggressive comments at Thanksgiving dinner. I will no longer settle for the friend whose mood can be changed by a light breeze and intentionally criticizes me in front of others. I am a grown adult with a full plate and I have got too much in my mouth to bite my tongue any longer.

Again, I am blessed to have friends and family that have consistently shown up for me in big ways. These people have done so without asking for anything in return. But in return, I have gone out of my way to always do the same. I am surely not a saint but I am no longer willing to be a martyr. It was not luck that gave me tribe; I have worked my tail off to keep it.