John B. Marek is a writer, farmer, outdoorsman and recovering economic developer. You can find his books at johnbmarek.com.
The Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan movies “Sleepless In Seattle” and “You’ve Got Mail” are two of my favorite romantic comedies, but viewed objectively, their characters’ actions walk right up to, and perhaps even cross the line into, stalking territory. The distinction, of course, is that ultimately, things work out between them, but it begs the question, at what point do romantic gestures and persistence turn into something darker?
The textbook definition of stalking involves three components: the attention must be unwanted, the attention must be persistent and the attention must make the victim feel unsafe.
Normal relationships are consensual. Both parties are interested and comfortable with the interaction. But there is a bit of a gray area in this. It’s not always love at first sight, and many happy couples don’t immediately hit it off. There must be some leeway for romantic gestures and second chances. There’s a fine line between playful persistence and unwanted harassment.
The Netflix limited series “Baby Reindeer” has brought issues of stalking, mental health and boundaries into the spotlight. The show is the lightly fictionalized story of a comedian-bartender and his experiences dealing with a stalker over a period of years.
Even by stalker standards, “Martha’s” actions are extreme. After a brief, random interaction at the bar where “Donny” works, she becomes convinced that they are involved in a romantic relationship. Over four years, she sent him 41,071 emails, 106 pages of letters, 744 tweets and a staggering 350 hours of voicemails. That’s an average of 28 emails per day! You’ve got mail, indeed.
Despite Martha’s increasingly deranged and dangerous behavior, the show never depicts her as evil or immoral, just mentally unwell. In the end, she is convicted and sent to prison.
But that wasn’t the end of the real-life drama. Fans of the show were not content to let sleeping dogs lie. They felt compelled to track down the actual Martha and send her thousands of emails, tweets and Facebook messages, some threatening her with violence. In essence, stalking the stalker.
In an even weirder twist, the real-life Martha, a woman named Fiona Harvey, has taken to the media and claims (not very convincingly) that little of the show is accurate and that she was the one being stalked.
It’s all very messy and illustrates the issues with sensationalized true crime dramas.
As for the distinction between flirting and stalking, if your behavior is causing someone distress, it’s time to stop. Be respectful, and if someone isn’t interested, move on. If you’re unsure if your actions are appropriate, err on the side of caution and back off. Plenty of fish are in the sea, and the right person will appreciate your flirting, while the wrong person may be horrified by it.