Editor’s note: The author, Brooke McIntosh Crump, is a working mom in Mt. Gilead. That’s her husband, Matt Crump, in the photo. He’s what we call a “good sport” for sending along that shot.
For those of you who don’t know, my husband travels for work and my emotional stability is directly linked to the length of his business trip. He’s currently out of town for a week, which is short enough where I forget that it’s my responsibility to take the trash to the road for pickup this week, but long enough where I will call him having at least one meltdown. One would think that since my husband and I are this codependent we’d have a beautiful marriage that would be the envy of all others. True confession: My marriage is redneck.
I don’t know what’s in the water here in Montgomery County but it seems like all my friends and family have incredibly healthy marriages. When I was growing up, my friends’ parents all hated each other. I remember one friend whose parents always seemed to be together, but they were the exception. Here in Montgomery County, that’s the norm. Seriously, my in-laws are BFFS and although they have a second vehicle, they rarely need one because they’re usually together. My best friend will be talking to her husband in the kitchen and will stop him in the middle of conversation because she is in awe of him. Another friend of mine lotions up her husband’s feet at night. I once conducted a survey when I was teaching and asked my coworkers if they fought with their spouses and they shockingly reported they did not. Well, I’m here to tell you the truth that most of my friends and family already know: I fight with my husband.
Do I love my husband? Most of the time, I can’t believe that I’m lucky enough to spend my life with someone who truly gets me. He knows me like no one else and I have never spent a single second of our 10-year relationship feeling like I have to be someone other than myself. But do I fight with my husband? Bless it, I really do. I would like to say that our arguments have never been in the presence of our children, but this mama and daddy have shown their red neck a time or two. Every night I go to bed and promise to be a better person than I was the day before, which includes not losing my cool with my husband. But then the next day comes and our yard isn’t mowed or he gets assigned to a last-minute business trip and I get a little redneck.
I was recently talking to another friend about this and, after some real talk, she admitted that she and her husband used to engage in domestic disputes as well. She jokingly said that in the past, when they lived in a larger city, they’d called the law on each other. But now that she cares about her reputation in a small town, she’s changed how she handles issues with her husband. I also care about my reputation so when it comes to taking the fight outside, I worry if a neighbor has heard me get a little loud. But what if, y’all, we all just needed a way to hash it out? I don’t believe in keeping things bottled up inside. Maybe a good form of marriage therapy would be to rent a room in Durham one night, where no one knows us, and go all redneck up in there.
All jokes aside, I do have guilt that my kids have witnessed us raise our voice with one another. And even for the fights where my kids are not present, I feel guilty that I’ve harbored any sentiment other than love toward my partner in life. One particular argument that sticks out in my mind was the time my husband picked a fight with me about using the cast iron pan the morning I had a trial. I was running on little sleep from prepping, and my husband discovered that I had used the cast iron pan before bed and hadn’t properly cleaned it. I don’t know what it is about men and cast iron pans. Afterward, I was driving to court and I heard on the radio that a couple who had been married 70 years shared their secret to marriage: Be nice to each other. I called my husband to talk and he’d been listening to the same radio station. I would like to say that in the moment we agreed to live happily ever after, but I still had some rage left in me. Luckily, I channeled that emotion into my work, which resulted in a positive outcome. It’s possible this all might be a result of my personality – I am a lawyer, after all.
My family is the product of a second marriage. When I started dating my husband I was all in from day one because there were kids involved. My stepchildren have always been two of my greatest joys and our relationships are near perfect. In fact, my kids’ relationship with each other will often bring me to tears; I sometimes feel like I’m watching a Hallmark movie when the two teenagers interact with their 4-year-old half brother. So I like to think my husband and I have done something right by our children. We’re doing the best we can to provide loving and happy homes for our children. Life can be tough at times. In a perfect world where bills, chores, schedules and responsibilities don’t exist, my husband and I would probably raise our voices with one another a lot less. But some days we’re just tired and doing the best we can. Is our way the best way? I’m going to say probably not. But we’ve never gone to bed a single night in 10 years and left anything unsaid. My husband is my rock. He is the one person who always makes me feel better and I can’t wait for him to get back into town.
And for the record, I’m the only person who is allowed to be upset with my husband. I will rip into anyone else who dares. But mamas, if you, too, have a redneck marriage, you’re not alone. This week I toast the mamas who just can’t bite their tongue. Maybe next week we can make a pact to cut our husbands a little slack … or maybe we just need to rent that room in Durham after all.